Three Tools to Fix Your Dating Life.
Whether you are aware of it or not, you are carrying around a toolbox all the time.
But instead of a hammer and screwdriver, your gorgeous toolbox carries the go-to coping, healing and dealing mechanisms you’ve developed to handle emotional situations.
We all know that dating can be treacherous ground, full of emotional landmines, rejection and unexpected highs and lows.
I know from personal experience and through years of professional matchmaking that your Dating Toolbox may have some items that don’t serve you (i.e. defense or numbing strategies, limiting belief systems that keep you going back to unavailable people, etc.).
Here’s the good news: I’ve compiled a short and sweet list of the THREE items you must have in your Dating Toolbox, and they’re pretty easy to get your hands on.
So if you’re as excited as I am about developing your perfect Dating Toolbox, here are the three steps to get you started. Also, I've created a freebie to help you dive deeper into this topic. Download the Toolbox Checklist at the bottom of this post!
Every woman dating in the world today needs three tools:
1. Your Tribe:
It’s so easy to go to just any friend with your dating woes… after all, we all have crappy date stories to share and funny first-date moments to complain about. But, when you’re out there, dating, trying to find someone who makes you feel possible, you are putting your heart in a vulnerable place, and those moments deserve great care.
When I say you need Your Tribe, I’m not just talking about “friends." I’m talking about the people in your life that researcher Brené Brown calls the “move the body” friends. People who “show up and wade through the deep with you.”
Your “move the body” friends are the ones who take care of your heart and your story.
Look at your community of friends… think about who really shows up for you, holds space, empathizes and gives you their undivided attention.
Dating is hard enough. You need people who get you, people who you trust with your emotional well-being.
That person, or those people are Your Tribe. And when you’re dating, there is nothing as important as a strong tribe to lean on.
2. Your Bat Signal:
Like I mentioned before, dating can be treacherous ground. There will be moments where you need to vent, cry, laugh, scream, etc.
Too often, I see that we discount those moments as overreactions. We downplay our need for support… because asking for support and not getting it sucks.
That’s why you need a Bat Signal in your Toolbox.
When in an emotional dating pickle, you’re going to send this Bat Signal to one or a couple members of Your Tribe, asking for specific support.
Using a Bat Signal takes some prep, so next time you’re with Your Tribe, let them know that you’re creating your signal and how specifically you would like them to respond.
For example, a while back, I went on a first date that I thought was going really well. We were having great conversation, and he was making comments like, “You’re so much more interesting than anyone else I’ve been out with.” Plus, we had great chemistry. Four hours into our conversation and drinks, I asked him how he thought the date was going, expecting him to say something like, “We should go out again,” or “Ya, let’s make out now.”
Instead he responded, “I feel like you’re a great friend.”
I said, “So, you’re not like, interested in this as a date?”
And he said no.
At the time, it felt like a crushing blow. I’d just gone through a heart-wrenching breakup and a series of bad dates, and this experience felt like a sliver of hope during this hard time.
I left the bar, started sobbing in the street and texted my Bat Signal to three members of my tribe. It read: “I need help. I just went on a date and feel like shit. Can you call?”
That was my Bat Signal. And my tribe showed up. I felt supported, seen and heard. It made all the difference and can make all the difference for you, too.
(Be sure to grab my free PDF Dating Toolbox Checklist at the bottom of this post!)
3. Your Search Strategy:
This one might be the simplest sounding, but it’s the most difficult to develop.
Your dating strategy is your go-to guide for how you plan to put yourself out there and how you need to protect your heart along the way.
This strategy is not a one-size-fits-all, and it takes some trial and error to discover what’s best for you.
Over and over again, I see clients pushing themselves to make love happen. I hear, “It’s a numbers game, I just need to meet more of the right people.”
Pushing yourself to meet more people, even if you’re exhausted or burnt out, takes a huge toll on your heart. It’s like continuing to run on a sprained ankle… you probably will end up more injured than when you began.
The truth is that the science of cognitive overload means that “dating as a numbers game” will cause burnout and a miserable dating experience along the way.
Your Search Strategy is not complete until you are aware and listen to when you should put the app down, or stop going out because you’re exhausted.
There you have it, the three tools you must have in your Dating Toolbox.
I’ve seen that those who have taken time to cultivate these tools see massive results in their dating lives… meaning more great dates, less burnout and more joy along the way.
After you incorporate these three tools into your Dating Toolbox, you will be well on your way to dating with less stress and more success.