167. How to go from dead-end dating to only great dates with Brazen Breakthrough Client Michelle
This week, we're breaking down the journey to creating a dating life that's joyful, boundary-filled, and confidently your own. Michelle, a Brazen Breakthrough client, joins Lily for a fantastic conversation about how she went from a dead-end dating mindset to only great dates. Plus, hear how she learned to stop compromising her desires and find joy in all areas of her life.
🔥 Hot-Takes Alert! 🔥
Ever wondered, "What if I do this thing and it doesn't work for my love life?" We're diving into that fear and breaking it down.
It's time to stop compromising your desires. Learn how to permit yourself to want what you want without apology.
The "shoulds" – we all know them, but how do we escape their grasp when it comes to dating, life, and love?
🗨️ Michelle reminds us, "Dating feels less like a 'life or death thing' when you are having fun in other areas of your life."
Links:
✨Join The Brazen Breakthrough Now! ✨ The doors to Brazen Breakthrough close on Oct 27th at 11:59 pm EST
Show transcript:
[00:00:00] Lily: Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. Today, I have a very special episode with a client of mine inside of the Brazen Breakthrough, Michelle. Michelle is a badass human who is a high achiever, like most all of my clients, who was killing it in so many ways in her life.
[00:00:22] And dating just felt like the one area that she couldn't figure out. And then she would work to figure it out, like do all the things, work on manifesting, get support from her therapist, all of those things. And it always felt like dating was a dead end, that there was never any like. Real progress.
[00:00:41] Michelle joined the Breaks and Breakthrough earlier this year and since has really created a love life on her terms that is joyful and boundaried and confident as hell. In this episode, she's going to share How she did it and what it feels like now and what her love life [00:01:00] looks like now. There are some exciting updates that you will hear in this episode.
[00:01:04] And if you have been listening to these episodes, if you've been in the Date Brazen community for a while and been feeling the tug of like, Could this be for me? Could the brazen breakthrough be for me? What would it be like to be inside this program and to get my face coached off by Lily weekly and daily inside the brazen breakthrough?
[00:01:23] Then I'm, I have really good news, which is that we're open right now. We are open right now through October 27th, 2023. The doors are open and the link to join us is in the description of this episode. So listen to this episode. Listen to what your body is saying to you. This is an opportunity to trust yourself no matter what.
[00:01:45] And I am so excited for you to hear Michelle's story, whether or not you join the Brazen Breakthrough, whether or not you're listening to this. at the time of release and whether or not Brazen Breakthrough is open right now, like this episode will have something for you. So I just want to ask you [00:02:00] to really ask yourself, how is this for me?
[00:02:03] What hope can I glean from this? What action steps can I glean from this? And is this invitation to join us inside the Brazen Breakthrough aligned for you? How supported can you stand to let yourself be? Now with that, let's get into the episode.
[00:02:23] Hey, I'm Lily Womble, former top matchmaker and founder of Date Brazen. After setting up hundreds, I realized that with coaching, women could match themselves better than anyone else ever could. With my unconventional feminist approach, I've helped women around the world build courageous and self trust filled love lives.
[00:02:38] And now I'm here to support you get ready. Cause I'm about to show the exact steps you need to attract a soul quenching partnership. And feel amazing about yourself along the way. This is the Date Brazen podcast. Hello, gorgeous friends. Welcome to another episode of the Date Brazen podcast. I am so glad that you're here.
[00:02:56] I am here with an incredible, amazing [00:03:00] human named Michelle. And Michelle is inside the Brazen breakthrough. And Michelle has had some updates in the Slack channel. And I was like, hold on, hold on. Why don't we get you on the podcast to talk about it? Unpack what's going on and, uh, like share your experience.
[00:03:21] I think that it'll be amazing for people to hear what it's been like for you to be supported in this area of your life. And so I'm excited that you're on. Welcome, Michelle. Yes.
[00:03:28] Michelle: Thank you. I'm excited to be here.
[00:03:31] Lily: Yay. I felt like in that moment, it was sort of like, I need an applause button. We're like, and welcome, Michelle.
[00:03:39] How are you feeling about doing this episode? I ask every client this question because generally. People have feelings, but maybe nerves, maybe, like, excitement. Want to
[00:03:49] Michelle: check in? Yeah, I feel good. It's vulnerable to talk about an area of your life that was already kind of vulnerable to, like, get support in.
[00:03:59] Yeah. [00:04:00] Both, and I, you know, I'm... a coach myself. So like I'm a big advocate for like getting the support you need in groups and doing things like that. So it's a good stretch for me, but no, I feel good. I feel excited. And I always happy to help like share things to help other people feel raised in enough, if you will, to like, go do what they need as well.
[00:04:22] So that's my answer.
[00:04:25] Lily: Amazing. I love it. Okay. Michelle, full transparency. I did look back at our iconic IGDM conversation from, uh, when you first joined and I'd love to take it back there. Like how did you learn about the Raisin Breakthrough and then with the invitation on the table, what was that bringing up for you before you joined?
[00:04:44] Yeah. So
[00:04:45] Michelle: I'll take it back further than our DM conversation. So one of the, uh, I joke with my friends about TikTok saying it's a black freaking hole, but. You were 1 of the few, there's obviously some good things, just like anything [00:05:00] on there. And I remember coming across your content. Maybe I don't even know, because I went to 1 of your free, like, party dating in person, dating things.
[00:05:12] I think that was last summer. Yeah. So maybe it was early 2022 that I found you on tick tock and. You just, like, really resonated with the whole, like, make dating feel like self care to me just resonates a lot for, like, what I like to do with nutrition, making it feel like soul nourishment. It's kind of a similar you were speaking my language and the love department.
[00:05:33] Yeah. So I downloaded your freebie. I went into your master class. Perfect. Like funnel if you will. And then you actually came on our podcast and I was like, Oh shoot, she's calling me out. And my co host in a good, in the best way possible. And my co host Lucy was like, I think, and my sister listened to it too.
[00:05:52] She's like, I think you should just like join Lily's thing. And I was like, Oh, like, I know, but like, I'm not going to do that right now. And yeah, long story short, lo [00:06:00] and behold, when you opened the doors again and it was again, speaking to me. So I was definitely warmed up and that's kind of what led me. To joining and then DMing with you about it.
[00:06:12] So,
[00:06:13] Lily: yeah, I loved being on your podcast. Do you want to plug it? Oh, sure.
[00:06:17] Michelle: Well, it's called the Michelle and Lucy show. And we just talk about like women's wellness and we have mind, body, soul, raw conversations. We love bringing unempowered women, like Lily. So yeah, we have some fun conversations.
[00:06:32] Lily: That's awesome.
[00:06:33] And I remember that. Podcast conversation. I was just like, letting y'all have my hot takes. And are you game to talk about what we were talking about in the DMs? Do you remember? Um,
[00:06:45] Michelle: I'm game for, I don't remember exactly, but sure.
[00:06:49] Lily: You said something like I'm interested, but I have done so much work on myself.
[00:06:56] Yes. And I've done a manifestation course. I've [00:07:00] done like business coaching. I've done all this stuff. And it feels like, fuck, like, what if I. Do this thing and it doesn't work for my love life or like, how can you guarantee results or like, how, you know, like, I know it's worth it, but I also want a relationship.
[00:07:14] So, like, right, what's not working is what you were saying. Do you remember that conversation, how you felt? Yes.
[00:07:21] Michelle: Now, I remember. What was that like
[00:07:23] Lily: for
[00:07:23] Michelle: you? I mean, it was real because, you know, it was interesting that, and again, I've told you like 100 times. It was like nothing about you or the program or whatever.
[00:07:34] It was just like. It's easy to get down on yourself to be like, oh, I'm just going to throw, especially in like, the coaching industry and the entrepreneur world. Like you almost get jaded after a couple like years of just like, I don't want to say like throwing money around, but it's kind of like, I think where I was to it, I was noticing like, unfortunately, just like anything there's.
[00:07:54] Really good marketing sometimes and then there's things that actually like are for you and like, [00:08:00] make a difference. So I don't know. Because at the same time, I had already been in your sphere and. Even with the thought of the program, and you kind of said this a lot, which I like in your marketing of, like, how does it feel?
[00:08:14] Like, if it feels like a yes for you and like, whatever. And if I was like, I need to be in that, like, it felt so right to do do it. So, on 1 hand, my body was like, this is great. Like, regardless of the hard outcomes, like, you should do it, but. I think it's human nature to consider like your past investments.
[00:08:32] How do I know that this one's like quote unquote worth it for me at this time versus just another thing, you know, I was DMing you.
[00:08:41] Lily: No, I know. And I was
[00:08:43] Michelle: like, I don't mean to put it in that group, but like my logical mind is kind of like. It has to beg that question. So,
[00:08:50] Lily: well, and I think that it's an important conversation to bring up.
[00:08:53] Cause I know that a lot of people they're finding me on Tik TOK. I've had this experience since [00:09:00] being on Tik TOK and since going viral, a lot of people finding me as like, is this legit? Is this for real? You know, there's that conversation that people are having. Is this. Hype, or is this actually going to change my life and so that's why I wanted to kind of bring that up.
[00:09:14] And I, I wonder also we talked through that. And how did you know for yourself that this was the right move for you to join this program at that time?
[00:09:26] Michelle: I think it was a couple of things. I think it's being in tune with myself and my values, like, just again, having experience working with people over the years with different things.
[00:09:36] And I, from the jump, your message was very much in alignment. And I was like, okay, she's saying things that, like, really, like, align with me and like, this feels good. And, um. That for sure. I think that's for any kind of investment. Like you always want to think like, do I like this person and their message?
[00:09:54] Does it feel like they're solving a problem that like I have? And I remember hearing on your podcast [00:10:00] too, you were like, you could figure this out, like, I'm not going to, I just really appreciate it. I know I'm from the business standpoint, I can't help, but like consume in that way too, but I just really liked how you were like, it's about you.
[00:10:11] Like you're the answer, uh, both end. I have the support and like these. Kind of like a signature process, if you will, to really like, help you that have helped many women or people. So I think it was the feeling that your thing and your approach, your message, I jived with from a value standpoint and you had the goods, you know what I mean, where it like made sense to so like, it's just for me.
[00:10:36] I just was like, I've never made an investment in myself that had felt really good. That didn't one way or another work out, whether it was just like my life got better, I actually got that tangible result, or I just made new friends or, you know, whatever it is. So, and
[00:10:52] Lily: to take it back, you know, before we met or maybe when we met, what was your dating life feeling like that?[00:11:00]
[00:11:00] You wanted this kind of support. Tell me about that. Well,
[00:11:04] Michelle: yeah, like you said that I said, I had like, done things like therapy, um, and some other courses around not specifically around, but like, you know, like the work quote unquote. So it was definitely getting frustrated. I feel like I was like, getting somewhere, but I was also just.
[00:11:20] I definitely was like ancient. Like it just was like annoying. And where was my love life? I mean, yeah, I think it was kind of in this place that felt very scarce. It felt frustrated. Like it just kind of felt hopeless in a sense, not fully
[00:11:40] Lily: hopeless, but no, you, I'm going to call you out for a moment.
[00:11:43] Michelle, you were doing Sunday school answer. I want to know, which is like, the coach in you is giving me the coached answers and I would love to know if you're comfortable sharing, obviously, you know, share as much as you are comfortable. Don't share what you're not comfortable, [00:12:00] but like, what was going on?
[00:12:01] What, what felt messy? What felt out of your control? What felt overwhelming? I want to know.
[00:12:08] Michelle: Um, yeah, well, I feel like my ex at the time was the only thing orbiting my dating sphere, which I was like, so frustrated. Like that was just annoying. Cause I'm like, you know, I had a lot of doubt of like, should that just have been it?
[00:12:22] Like, that's kind of,
[00:12:23] Lily: Yes. I remember that.
[00:12:24] Michelle: Yeah. That was the thing. And then the guys that I. We're meeting just like it wasn't like, I just was bored. Like I just, and you were actually like one of the first people to be like, and this was so refreshing. And that's why I really jive with like your feminist, whatever non patriarchal approach to dating where you were like.
[00:12:45] Maybe like you just haven't been meeting like the right guys for you or like whatever and it just felt I remember that relief that I felt of like, Oh, like, shoot, like this whole effing time. Like, I've been like, trying to like, [00:13:00] manage my desires or like change in some way and negotiate with myself and be like, okay, like, well, he has a job like,
[00:13:07] Lily: you know, like, no, it's not that bad.
[00:13:10] But
[00:13:10] Michelle: like, you know what I mean? Where I feel like your stuff and like on our podcast and you were like, okay, so who can't like, yeah, he's boring to you, but like, what are you making that mean? And I realized in my dating life, like, I think I was like making it a lot more anxious and dramatic than it needed to be.
[00:13:28] So I was just kind of in this, I don't want to say life or death situation, but just like this very, like, Didn't feel good either
[00:13:37] Lily: way, sounds like it felt high stakes,
[00:13:38] Michelle: very high stakes. Like if the person was boring, I was dying alone. If I didn't want to die alone, then I had to compromise some kind of desire.
[00:13:46] And by the way, the only person messaging me is my ex, like at the very, yeah, it was annoying and like not having people in my immediate life who could relate. Was also just [00:14:00] made it shittier as well. So
[00:14:03] Lily: where I was. Thank you for sharing. And I also remember something that you said, you said, Michelle, something in our DM conversation that I literally wrote down, wanted to talk about forever.
[00:14:15] Wanted to talk because it was so you're putting into words, something that I think so many people struggle with, which is you said, I feel like. If I do this, and I don't get something out of it, or I don't get the love life that I want, that I'm a loser. And that more generally, I feel like a loser if I don't have what I want, or that something's wrong with me that I haven't found it.
[00:14:39] How does that strike you now? Or like, What, what comes up when I
[00:14:42] Michelle: say that? I'm laughing 'cause I'm like, oh darn. Like I was really hard on myself. Yeah, I think I was in definitely a tough place. I wanna say . Hearing that. Yeah. Obviously now I feel like that's doesn't feel true to me at all. I understand where I [00:15:00] was coming from then.
[00:15:01] But look at you
[00:15:01] Lily: self-compassionate, like Goddess , I love.
[00:15:07] Michelle: Yeah, that is something. No, I think like you said it best, I think earlier where it's like, it felt like very high stakes. And I think that's why it was like, you know, the way we do like wrap up or I'll speak from the eye for me, I realized like wrapping up more so career with self worth, but even anything that's quote unquote achievable.
[00:15:26] So like this program, right. Where it's like, and I remember even when I started, like that was, I had to like voice those concerns, even in the program for you to be like, please sit down. Cause that was like, that was like my knee jerk reaction though, was like, I have to like succeed. Like, and I think a lot of people probably listening to this, who are like you said, are high achievers or just kind of like have that personality where you realize like, wait, that's actually like not the answer to like, try to go as hard as you can, right?
[00:15:54] It's like, we're conditioned to like, go about anything that we want in that way. And [00:16:00] sometimes that serves us, but not in every. Thing we
[00:16:03] Lily: do. Right, right. Yes. And, you know, I think a lot of people come in, you know, date feeling very frustrated that it isn't a 1 plus 1 equals 2. If I put in hard work all the time and I keep doing the hard work, then I get the relationship and that's not, that only leads to like burnout and this exhaustion, this bone tiredness, I think.
[00:16:22] Um, but then perpetuates the, like, am I a loser for not having figured this out by now? Like a client said the other day in a call, she said, I was socialized to believe that I was pathetic for wanting a relationship and pathetic for not having one yet. Yeah.
[00:16:36] Michelle: It's like a lose, lose
[00:16:37] Lily: all around. Yeah. Okay. So what helped you feel safe enough to like make this investment in yourself and to join us inside the brazen breakthrough?
[00:16:48] Michelle: I think. Ultimately, going back to, like, that feeling and that self trust that I had in my body and having experienced, like, Investing in and [00:17:00] I know, like, maybe some people have never invested before, but I just was like, I had a good feeling about it and also communicating with you. I was like, okay, if I could communicate with her.
[00:17:10] About my concern, she's answering the questions and I forget what you had said. I think also your, your answer to me, like, saying the loser thing, I think was like, something about, like. You're allowed to be a work in progress. I know that I think that like brought tears to my eyes just because it was like, it gave me permission to be able to like, I don't know if I'm saying this right, but like, it gave me the permission to want to do it.
[00:17:35] And like, it's okay if it didn't go perfectly as planned. I deserve to like still get the support and like try quote unquote, if you will. I mean, yeah, I think it just, it worked for me. Let's pause
[00:17:48] Lily: there. It worked for you. Hello. What are we? Well, I meant the investment, but the
[00:17:56] Michelle: program, but yes, I would love
[00:17:59] Lily: to share [00:18:00] all this.
[00:18:00] You come in. To the program and what lesson sticks out to you as super spicy or impactful in terms of, you know, what we were coaching on, like, how was essence based preferences for you?
[00:18:13] Michelle: That was good. I remember like, that kind of being an obnoxious thing for me,
[00:18:20] Lily: but in a good way.
[00:18:22] Michelle: Yeah. Like making the time, I think actually like what really like helped me the most was less the coursework and more, I mean, that obviously definitely helped because I was thinking about this before we were recording.
[00:18:33] Yeah. One of it's more just like the isms that you have that I feel like kind of sit with you and you know, you're in that space and you hear it enough and you're like, Oh, like, okay. And like, one of the big ones for me was the permission to want what you and I think that that was like the biggest, I'm sure that's.
[00:18:51] Maybe in there somewhere, but even with the essence based preferences, you don't have to write what you should want. I really liked how, like, yes, you can write, like, I want [00:19:00] him to have a master's or whatever, but it's, like, the promptingness of what's beyond the surface of that to really get you into the essence, because I think a problem for me with dating in the past is, like, You could see someone like on the outside and you're like, this is weird because he might have the quote unquote things that you'd want, but it doesn't feel right.
[00:19:21] Whereas in the past, someone might feel right. This is for me, but might not have the things on the outside. Quote unquote. So I think for me in the past, a lot of that anxiety would come from like, thinking I should be wanting something or it should look a certain way. And I think getting to the root of what you really want and like the feeling and your values was helpful for me.
[00:19:46] And then again, with noticing, like, The people that you talk with and you're with that you really like giving yourself the permission rather than like, Oh, but like, would my sister like it? Like, just like, not that, but like, just other things like, but [00:20:00] should he be like, is he good enough for like other things?
[00:20:03] Like, I don't know. Like that's kind of not getting caught in the
[00:20:05] Lily: shoulds.
[00:20:06] Michelle: Right. Like, but should I, is it okay to like this? Like, it was very weird. I mean, that was my issue, I guess, of giving, I needed to give myself more permission in life and in love.
[00:20:17] Lily: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. And I wonder what it was like for you, what was it like for you to be in a community of other badass, high achieving, single people?
[00:20:27] Yeah,
[00:20:27] Michelle: that was really great to do because there's just a difference in knowing, you know, you have support in your back pocket. Literally, let's say, like, again, most of my friends are married or coupled up having kids. Like, I noticed a shift in, like, going out with those people. It might still have been like, you know, you have feelings maybe of, like, the odd man out at times.
[00:20:48] But there was definitely a difference of feeling like, okay, you're not alone. Cause you can, if you wanted to like go back to the group and ask for support and then like, you know, other people would get it. [00:21:00] So it was definitely helpful in that regard. And then seeing other people like share their brags and wins and some of the brazen things that they do.
[00:21:10] I'm like, Oh, okay. Like it's inspiring. Like again, it's like super important to put yourself in those environments. If that's. What you want for yourself, if you're the only single friend, of course, there's nothing wrong with you, but it's being in a group with other people who are like, can relate, like, just like anything, like you're, it's going to only help you.
[00:21:31] I feel like feel less alone, but also inspired.
[00:21:34] Lily: Yeah, I love that. And that that's why, you know, the Slack channel was created with the daily Slack. Coaching and the group coaching calls were created. Like, so I'm glad you're feeling that intention in the impact. I'm curious. What does your dating life look like now?
[00:21:52] Michelle: My dating life now looks a lot more less [00:22:00] anxious. That's for sure. I mean, of course, I think obviously I am still a work in progress, but definitely. Having the tools of one, like, just like breaking away from, like, it used to be in the sense of, like, feeling this pressure, like all this stuff and like, yeah, kind of just trust.
[00:22:19] It's more trusting of, like, the timing of my life in general and my dating life and it's just like a softer place to be than where I think it was before, where it was like, I kind of take things like less personal and I feel like I have more of a clarity. Transcribed In the sense of like what I'm looking for and also more of the confidence to express like more of what I'm looking for, like the, excuse me, like the QDs and just
[00:22:47] Lily: like qualifying, disqualifying questions for anybody who.
[00:22:50] Yes.
[00:22:51] Michelle: Doesn't know. But I think in the tactical, like real part of it all, it's been talking to more people. It's been going [00:23:00] on more dates with more confidence. I feel like whether or not, since it doesn't feel as life or death anymore. And actually because I've let myself like want what I want and like be attracted to who I'm attracted to, which is so funny to me now.
[00:23:17] Cause it sounds like to me, like, I'm just like, duh, like. Of course, it's like Simone's soul too. It reminds me of like the winning results where it's like, how would you get the bonus outcome if you don't let yourself do the feel good thing? Like, I don't know, but that's another tangent, but yeah, so let it, I feel like since I've let myself want what I want, it's led to more people who I actually am excited about, like seeing people who I'm excited about versus like people I might, again, look good on paper or like whatever, but I'm not excited about.
[00:23:48] So that was, Clearly a thing for me when I joined, and I think I've worked through that in many ways, which feels
[00:23:55] Lily: like a huge win. Yeah, I want to celebrate that. You know, I know that [00:24:00] you're saying these things that you used to struggle with that now you don't struggle with. Like, that's literally why we're coaches, Michelle, because my no duh is somebody else's aha moment.
[00:24:12] And I think that you don't have to, you get to like celebrate instead of being like, Oh, my God, I can't believe I was struggling with that. Give yourself permission to indulge in your transformation, in your growth, in your self permission, in your power, self celebration is a strategy. And so the more you can, this is me coaching you now, the more you can just say like, hell yeah, I used to struggle with this.
[00:24:37] I got the support and the aligned support that I needed to not struggle with it anymore. And thanks. Let's go. Let's keep going. You know,
[00:24:47] Michelle: yes. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, for sure. I'm
[00:24:51] Lily: curious if you want to talk about what's happening now in your dating life.
[00:24:58] Michelle: I'll talk about it. All right. [00:25:00] Vaguely, but okay.
[00:25:02] Yeah. I mean, I think I, I think what's happening is pretty much just talking to someone who is like exciting to me, which is
[00:25:13] Lily: really cool. Yeah, I sense that you're like, do I want to, how much do I want to talk about this? Because it, you know, it's in progress. And I, as everything is Michelle as a theme for this episode, and I just remember getting a Slack message from you.
[00:25:30] And also earlier in the week, two people had a similar coaching question. One person specifically had a similar coaching question in our live group coaching call, which is like, it's going well. With somebody, holy shit. Oh, my God. Yeah. What now? So anything to share or add on to what I just said?
[00:25:51] Michelle: Well, I'm just laughing because I, it's just cool to look back and be like, literally like almost a year ago, like talking to you on our [00:26:00] podcast.
[00:26:00] I mean, literally just feeling like, oh my God, everyone's boring. What the fuck? And like you just being like, okay, like maybe you just aren't meeting the right people right now and then kind of just like being on the other side of like, oh wait, I was laughing because I remember slacking you saying like, not that I don't know what to do, but I'm like, I don't know what to do.
[00:26:23] I'm actually excited about someone, which hasn't happened in a minute. So. Yeah, that was just, that's all I'll say. I'll add on to that. I was just laughing. Well, thank you for
[00:26:32] Lily: sharing. And I will, you know, you know, that I, my ears are peeled for all of all in any of the updates and there are other people in the brazen breakthrough now, like wonderfully hilariously struggling with.
[00:26:43] What happens when you get what you want, right? So that's why I like to say that, you know, this work of the brazen breakthrough, this community is not just for finding the right relationship or making it inevitable with your, you know, the way [00:27:00] you show up for what you desire. It also is about preparing to be.
[00:27:04] in the right relationship. Because if you think about how triggering dating is, how activating dating is, it is very similarly triggering and activating to be in a stable, healthy, new relationship when you're used to crumbs. Yeah. So like, yeah, the work, like it only is like the next beautiful phase of the work getting really comfy with getting what you want.
[00:27:28] Michelle: Yeah, I figured that it's normal. Yes. I would also say, like, a big thing that I really liked. And again, I feel like I was more open to it because I could see it from, like, in my world with health and wellness was the joy building. I call that soul nourishment. And I think, like, that also really, like, leads up to.
[00:27:53] Like, I'm laughing because it's like, this is what you say, but like, kind of meeting the right person in a sense, because, like, I don't want to say too much about [00:28:00] this person, but, like, I feel like part of how we kind of connect it, like, a lot of things that we connected and like, a big way of, like, how we connected was had to do with, like, both of our soul nourishment, what I call soul nourishment, joy building things, if that makes sense.
[00:28:15] And it's like, yeah. I think that just also is a testament to what you always preach to with like, joy building for you, but like, also, you know, you might meet someone at like, doing something like that, but just all around. It just makes all the good things. But I would definitely say, like, having that intention and you could feel like when you're dating, like, when you're working on quote, unquote, your dating life, like, what is rollerblading going to go do for me?
[00:28:38] Like, with that sometimes might be a hard sell for certain people, but I just want to point that out of saying like, not only is it just good for you and your soul, but like, it's almost like you also become kind of like, You understand what you like more, and I don't want to say, like, the only reason you do it is to become a more interesting person to date, because that's not why, but like, you [00:29:00] also, when you joy build for yourself and you make time for yourself, you realize what you like, and then that's kind of how you end up, can end up, like, be one of the ways with connecting with other people.
[00:29:10] Um, and that's definitely. Yeah. And part of my experience. So, and also you're just having more fun, like in life.
[00:29:17] Lily: Yes. Which is like, you know, indulging your pleasure is leading to more pleasure, like attracts like in that way. It's just like, I'm saying like now a lot, but I am so glad that you resonated with the joy building, which is a, for those listening is a skill that I teach inside the in person dating module because.
[00:29:37] Joy building, doing what brings you joy is an in person dating strategy, whether or not there's anybody that you're physically attracted to in the room at your ceramics class. It actually doesn't matter because you're building the connections. You're making the eye contact. You're adding more connection and joy and pleasure to your life, which then allows you to, you know, like you're saying, be in touch with your [00:30:00] joy and pleasure, which then normalizes that experience in your body and your nervous system so that then.
[00:30:06] In your love life and elsewhere, when you seem, feel more of that joy and pleasure with somebody connection, you can recognize it and be subtle proof in that way. Whereas if you're miserable in your dating life and you're punishing yourself with how you're dating and you're punishing yourself on apps and you're not going to the pottery class because you, you're like, I should be working right now or I should be pursuing my dating life.
[00:30:28] Like those are my priorities. Then you're really normalizing small settling. Which then can lead to big settling. So I, I really am an advocate for joy building and joy building is how I met Chris, my, my husband, because I went to an improv class because I really wanted to and I met my now, like, one of my closest friends ever.
[00:30:49] We became so close that there were guys in the improv class that I had crushes on and even girls. Like, I was like, I was very open, but nothing ever like materialized from the actual going to the improv. But then [00:31:00] like the connection with Jesse, which is then one of my closest friends, she not only like walked me through my breakups and like really supported me through my parents divorce.
[00:31:07] She also introduced me to my entire friend group when I moved to New York City and she introduced me to the person who had introduced me to Chris. So like, it was this building. You know, because I was pursuing my joy in San Francisco at an improv class and I was scared shitless to go by myself. So anyway, that is just a testimony to in person dating strategy means joy building.
[00:31:29] And I
[00:31:29] Michelle: would say too, like, I want to say it's like a healthy distraction also, like, even if it doesn't lead exactly to like that, it's just like dating feels less like a life or death thing when you have like other things keeping your life full, which I know that's like. You know, cliche that we hear and it's like annoying at times because you're like, I still want to meet my partner and like, that's fine, but it's also like, you can still have that feeling of, I still want to meet that partner and I'm having a lot of fun doing whatever, like, even if there is that grief there, like that longing for something, but at the [00:32:00] same time, like when you are having a lot of fun rollerblading or whatever, cause that was part of my summer thing.
[00:32:04] Joy. You are kind of giving your brain a break from it, which I think is also kind of like a healthy thing. It had been for my experience, so. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:32:13] Lily: It's a both hand. Yeah, it's a both hand. Even if the joy building doesn't lead to you meeting your partner immediately or at all, like, I think that your desire gets to be evidence that it exists.
[00:32:24] Right. And, and, you know, I say all the time, I believe it for you until you can believe it for yourself. And, uh, I think that, you know, it's not about this, you know, work and the brazen breakthrough is not about how much can I micromanage my dating life to manage for the results. It's how much pleasure and joy can I experience while pursuing my desires?
[00:32:45] And how can I really release the self judgment and self blame that has built up? Yeah. As plaque on my teeth in my dating life, uh, to release that and get that cleaned out so that I can actually get unstuck faster [00:33:00] when I'm in a shame moment, feel those feelings with compassion and then pursue my joy and pleasure even harder, which then leads to more joy and pleasure.
[00:33:08] Yes. And then which ultimately leads to like. The right people coming into your life, I believe.
[00:33:13] Michelle: Totally. And I, I'll say the other unsexy thing about in the Raisin Breakthrough, but that was helpful. And I like did a lot, which I know you talk about a lot too, is definitely the, the self compassion and like just leaning into those tools.
[00:33:27] I know you asked about modules before, but believe it or not, like, I think that had been probably one of the best ones too. For me, just because it's like, A lot of the times, like, you are doing a lot of the things, and I know I had, like, literally asked that, like, how do I know I'm doing enough, like,
[00:33:42] Lily: psychotically?
[00:33:44] You were the person I, uh, don't judge yourself, Michelle, you're the person I created that checklist episode for, you know it.
[00:33:50] Michelle: I know, I loved it, I was, when I heard it, I was like, that's me, lol. No, but I think, like, you probably are doing a lot, I mean... I would felt like, okay, the doing [00:34:00] isn't maybe the thing that that's lacking.
[00:34:01] It's just the being. So like the self compassion meditation and, you know, feeling your feelings again, as much as that feels like for most of us, again, I'll speak from the eye again, like for me, like, okay, how is this going to get me anywhere? It really is. The softening that I think helps, like, it's at the base of any action that you take.
[00:34:22] So I don't want to say forcing myself, but kind of, it felt like at times, like, okay, like, let me do this. Yeah. Let me feel this feeling. And I had really also been like, I think a big help. And obviously it's still something to keep doing. It's an
[00:34:35] Lily: ongoing module to like, keep tapping into. And for those that don't know, I have a, yeah.
[00:34:40] whole modules, module one now called nervous system care or caring for your nervous system. And I'm adding the phrase to the title, like calm your freak out. Like people, you know, people look at the phrase self compassion. They're like, Oh, I don't want to do that. Like avoiding the, you know, as you called maybe unsexy feeling [00:35:00] lesson.
[00:35:00] That's not a dating profile or not a, an in person strategy. Those things will come, but really like. Taking a second to calm your brain's freak out to calm your body ground into self compassion, emotional granularity and how to feel anything. Those 3 lessons really, I think, help the clients that get the most results do those lessons every time they need to.
[00:35:24] They recognize when they need more self compassion because they're freaking out and they're blaming themselves. They stop. They take 5 minutes and then they move on with their lives into more empowered action. Whereas people that, you know, are afraid that feeling their feelings means that they're going to drown in them, which is a very common, you know, feeling fallacy or somebody that, that thinks, Oh, I don't want to go easy on myself because then I won't take action with self compassion.
[00:35:48] Like if I'm going easy on myself with self compassion, then I won't take action. The people that are hustling. are going to burn out again and again, unfortunately, because the hustle is the [00:36:00] toxic, capitalistic, patriarchal, white supremacist culture that we all have been steeped in in this country. And self compassion is an antidote.
[00:36:11] To really slowing down and really actually caring for yourself and moving through those hard as fuck thoughts and feelings so that you can move forward. It's my soapbox. Totally.
[00:36:24] Michelle: Yeah. Well, and I think in 1 of your episodes, no, but it's important because also you, you mentioned it once, which I thought was really important and like a good little, even more of a motivator was like.
[00:36:35] Even when you get into a relationship, like, you're still going to have the, if you want to be like a healthy person in a relationship, like, you want to be able to, like, figure out how to essentially regulate your emotions and your nervous system. So it's, it's just a good, like, healthy practice. I mean.
[00:36:52] That's just like health is obviously a value of mine. So I was like bought into it in that angle too. I'm like, I know this will be good for me, but [00:37:00] it's true. Like even when you do meet the right person, I feel like those are important skills. So
[00:37:05] Lily: yeah, for sure. It's again, not only how to find, but how to be in the best relationship of your life with yourself first and then with a partner second.
[00:37:12] And I love that you resonated. I love that you trusted yourself to join. I love that you are experiencing a spicy Love life. I know that you have a question and slack that we're going to coach on later in there to like, you know, continue feeling yourself continue living in this vulnerable, exciting space.
[00:37:35] So I'm excited to keep supporting you in the breeze and breakthrough. Last question. What would you say to somebody who is. Curious about joining who is like, I don't know, my God, am I going to do this? Ah, what do you say to them?
[00:37:50] Michelle: Oh my gosh. Well, yes. Well, I just want to say thank you to you because yeah, I mean, I, I'm so happy.
[00:37:58] Like, it's crazy that like, [00:38:00] you could look back and just be like, wow. And you know, regardless what happens with like dating, I feel so much more equipped to like handle it than I ever did before. So I think that in of itself too, if anyone's like, Oh, like, if you were like me listening, like, Oh, I don't know, is it worth it?
[00:38:18] And kind of having like that, like capitalistic, like outlook on coaching. It's like, I would say like, listen to your body and like, if it resonates and it just feels right for you and support feels good. Again, like so much of what you say, like is such a, like, you know, like, okay. Like, wait, you mean I don't need to be on like.
[00:38:38] Six freaking apps, like I could just like, let my hair, like, it's just, it's also like to make this investment in yourself is like, not only going to help you with your love life, but it's also going to be like an act of like self care too. And like, you deserve to give yourself that. It doesn't have to be like, I don't know, intense
[00:38:55] Lily: thing, but what would you say to the on the fence folks?
[00:38:59] Oh, on the,
[00:38:59] Michelle: [00:39:00] yeah, I would say definitely like, if it feels right for you, like, obviously if it doesn't feel right, you probably wouldn't be listening. But like, if you've been listening and like, it feels like you're resonating and you know, if there's some shame around like, oh my God, cause I know for me a little bit, there was like, I'm going to join like something for my love life, like, LOL.
[00:39:17] Um, at the time that's like how it felt, but. You know, you're not alone, like, I think just, like, giving yourself the support that you need is, I mean, won't say who, but I, like, sold someone into the group and they are very happy. They
[00:39:32] Lily: did it too. So, like, shout out to them. Shout out. We know who they are.
[00:39:39] Michelle: I think they would be fine with it.
[00:39:40] It's just like, funny. So, yeah, I think go for it. And like, obviously. You know, you have to, and I will love this about you too, Lily. It's like, you have to meet like, you're never pressuring anyone, like, financially, like, you want to feel good. It has to make sense. Like, all those things, you know, both. And like, I think, like, if you're thinking about it and you have that [00:40:00] attitude where, like, I can make this work and like, I really want this, like.
[00:40:04] You won't regret it. I definitely didn't. And I was kind of on the fence for a little bit, like for a hot second.
[00:40:09] Lily: So amazing. I'm so glad that you're in the brazen breakthrough, Michelle. I'm so excited. I wish I could go back to Michelle when we were DMing, like, I don't know, it was like six months ago, maybe.
[00:40:20] And just like, give her a big hug at that time and, and say like, Listen to this episode, Michelle. It's going to be okay. You're going to learn so much. You're going to grow so much. You're going to be so supported. And you deserve to be supported. You, Michelle, and everybody else listening, you deserve this kind of support.
[00:40:35] You deserve, if you desire, to feel supported. More empowered and more joy and confidence in your dating life if you desire to be in belonging with other people who get what you're going through and have your back, then you deserve to pay attention. You deserve to invest in yourself if it feels aligned like you're saying.
[00:40:54] So thank you so much for coming on the podcast, Michelle, and so grateful to keep [00:41:00] coaching. Let's let's keep going.
[00:41:01] Michelle: Yes, thank you for having me and for making the. Brazen
[00:41:05] Lily: Breakthrough. You're welcome. It's my pleasure. It's my joy. It's like literally the best job in the world. And I'm so, so grateful that I listened to my heart pull, you know, when I did and when this was created, you know, you and all of the Brazen Breakthrough clients are who I was dreaming of six years ago when I was like, well, people resonate with this feminist dating coach thing.
[00:41:27] When a lot of people were telling me like, you're going to do what? Like people just want to be set up on a date. People don't want to Do this and make this themselves like they don't want. I was like, I think they will want to. I think that it'll be even juicier than somebody else setting them up, which, you know, may or may not even work.
[00:41:44] It's like they get to guarantee their own results by indulging in their own desires and pleasure period. So I'm so grateful that you're in front of me and that everybody in the brazen breakthrough is there because it's a dream come true for me too. Yes. That's amazing. All right. Um, Michelle, thank you so much.
[00:41:59] [00:42:00] Thank
[00:42:00] Michelle: you.